i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
