remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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