lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
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Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize