i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
