Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
