my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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