I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You were trust falling into bushes
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
