Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
