So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
