U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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