no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
