ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
