If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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