Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
