i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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