life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
