1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
