I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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