yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
