I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
