no, he came in my armpit
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
