I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
