HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm too high and old for this...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
