I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
