He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
