it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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