the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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