Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
