i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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