I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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