Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
