Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
