I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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