Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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