I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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