she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
