can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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