If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
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