happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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