Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
