my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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