I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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