Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
