Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think I sprained my soul last night
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
