After last night, I could never be a politician.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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