I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My vagina just recognized that song.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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