: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
