dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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