dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
