guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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