what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
