im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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