you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
