So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
