Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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